I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
