you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
This beer is not sobering me up at all
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
