Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
You left your phone here
Wait...
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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