we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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