I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
