i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
