according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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