Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
