Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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