remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
you had me at cake vodka
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
