She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Just invented taco cereal.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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