Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
