Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
