If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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