I'm going to jail i love you
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
