im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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