first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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