I showed him my bush... on skype.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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