There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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