Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
