I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize
