what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
