I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
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It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
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I hugged the bouncer as we left.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
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