Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
