the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
