His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
