I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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