So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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