I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
