wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
