My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
