this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize