i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.