i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?