I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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