i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
