I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
We left the knife in your bed.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
wow bdsm is so cute
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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