I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
