I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I believe in your delicious
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
