I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
