Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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