I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
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