I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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