Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
