So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
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