a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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