don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
