Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
