He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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