Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
