Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
