there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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