and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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