im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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