I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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