Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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