I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
