how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
