I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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