i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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